you guys were way drunker than both of me
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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