Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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