i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
