went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
