i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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