u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
