I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
