Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
There are leaves in my underwear?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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