Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
