She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
