Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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