Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
