Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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