do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
