Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
