I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
