You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
