I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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