I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
