forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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