there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
