Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
