There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
