Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
