Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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