I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
