Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
