Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
