I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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