Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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