Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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