How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
