The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
