Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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