So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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