I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
