Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
