I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
God, I missed his penis.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
