please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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