can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
