Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you told grandpa to call you daddy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i've created a new STD.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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