I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
