just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
