You smell like stripper and shame
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
