I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
