Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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