hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
