Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
