the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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