When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
