i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
