even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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