There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
